A new year has started, and it is starting to become a routine to take some time to look back at the year that has passed and think of all the things that happened. As the prior years, I’ll go by the alphabet.
Assiduous: This is the word I chose at the start of 2018. I defined five big goals: Be a good mom, daughter, wife, and friend; build a business & turnaround 5K revenue by September; walk 100.000 steps every week; fill a notebook each month and finish the book I had started to write.
I wanted to be ultra-productive. Tireless, diligent and persistent. And all the while be a nice person.
The interesting thing about looking back is that I thought I failed. I did not build a business, I did not walk 100.000 steps every week, nor did I fill a notebook each month.
I decided to organize and label my notebooks by year. Throughout the years I’ve filled dozens of them, pouring my thoughts onto paper. Though, never before had I filled five of them back to back in a year. A personal record so to say. I also checked how many steps I took during the year. 3.950.029 steps. That’s 10.821 steps on average each day. I don’t have a record for priors years, but I’m confident I haven’t topped this in the past 10+ years. As for the business, yes I failed, I failed fast. I gave up after only ten months which does not fit in my idea of diligence. But it felt right. It felt like the right thing to do. I learned to let go, to fail and move on. Aim high & learn.
On top of it all, I think I was nice plus I finished writing my book! In three languages. Could I have done more? Surely. One can always do more.
Am I happy with what I achieved? Yes, it’s been a good year! For the above and for many more reasons which I’ll get to in the next 25 letters.
BFBM: This abbreviation stands for Bundesverband für Frauen in Business und Management. It’s the women’s network I joined in 2018. We meet monthly to learn, inspire and support each other. These meetings and women have enriched my life. I’ve never been part of a self-chosen network, following the nudge to go to their mentoring evening has absolutely paid off.
Chopra: As in Deepak Chopra. In 2018, I first read his book Seven Spiritual Laws of Success after which I took two three week courses designed by him. I’m still no good at meditating, but I diligently filled out the journal with questions that came along. Getting clear on what I consider success, and why, was most enlightening. I read dozens of books. Eighty-five, to be exact, and each of them had its charm. Reading opens doors to oneself.
Doubts: I wrote a post about having doubts. Having so much time, more than ever before, to think things over and decide one’s agenda, unsurprisingly, also led to wondering about being on the right track. I bought a (Geman) postcard which says something like: The dumb thing about laziness is that one never knows when one is done. I massively slowed down, to the point, where it almost felt like being lazy. When I ask my heart though, it tells me it is all good. This is your way. You are on the way. A few years ago, Patrick, a fabulous coach I worked with, said it is like cooking an old fashioned stew. It takes a long time for the meat to become tender. This image has stuck with me. Something is happening. Inside. It must cook a little more before it gets served.
Escher: My parents, celebrated their 49th anniversary this year and we rather spontaneously decided to treat them on a city trip with just them and the three of us. Since our brother is 10+ years younger than my sister and I, and my parents were entrepreneurs, we can count the number of time we went with just the five of us on a trip, on one single hand. We spent a wonderful weekend in Leeuwarden, the European capital of culture of 2018. We strolled from one museum to the next, including the exhibition of Escher, a Dutch graphic designer, and world-famous artist. My father’s artwork is very graphical as well, and even his appearance resembles Escher’s so we joyful made pictures of Escher’s portrait with my dad and my brother. All in all, the weekend turned into a very precious memory.
Forty-two: In 2018, I learned that the answer to life, the universe, and everything is Forty-two. At first, I was confused. How could a number be the answer to everything? Over time, I’ve started to appreciate this number. Very much so. So much that this very well might become the title of my book. Whenever I see this number now, I smile a big smile.
Guitar: A new instrument in the house. My daughter plays the piano for about six years now. One day, early last year, my son told me, “Mom, I think I want to play as well.” We talked a bit, and in the end, he decided to go for a guitar. He gets along well with his teacher and I love a house full of music. Makes me happy.
Hermann Hesse: The first book I finished in 2018, was Siddhartha from Hermann Hesse. There were parts I read a dozen times. It was a book that came to me at the right moment, even though I am not sure there could have been a wrong moment. I have always been a big fan of finding rather than seeking. Hermann Hesse beautiful states:
“When someone seeks,” said Siddhartha, “then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”
I wholeheartedly agree. I see so many people seeking something. Seeking joy, or approval, a job that fulfills them, a partner that satisfies them. Some even seek themselves. At times, I find it hard to watch. I want to shake them and tell them; it is all there already. You are, this world is, the sun, the moon, rain, and storm. Just let it be what it is and open your heart for it to see all that the universe has to offer. There is so much to discover.
I read a little tale somewhere, about joy knocking on somebody’s door. The person opened the door but said: “Sorry, I don’t have any time for you, I’m too busy looking for joy.” Joy looked at him for a split second, then he shook his head, turned around and went on to knock elsewhere.
I smiled reading that, and as I am writing these lines, I think about the absolute luxury of 2018 and all that time I had, to open that door and invite joy in.
Enjoying Siddhartha that much, I also picked up Steppenwolf, which was a completely different, not less intriguing read.
Idea meritocracy: When I learned about the idea of an idea meritocracy it wasn’t hard for me to become enthusiastic. A word coined by Ray Dalio it stands for a decision-making system where the best ideas win out. A system that brings together smart, independent thinkers and has them productively disagree to come up with the best possible collective thinking and resolve disagreement in a believability-weighted way. I’m still fascinated by the amount of effort he put in to create such an environment. I’m not exactly sure why I feel compelled to make this part of my year-in-review. There is no place I know of around where I live, where I could find out how I would function as a part of such a system. It’s all about radical honesty and radical transparency. Perhaps I am putting in here for me to one day build one…this life or the next…There are a few books I plan to re-read in the next five years. Principles from Ray Dalio is one of them.
Jump: In my book, the main character jumps three times. Her first jump, she has to be talked into, as she jumps a second time, she’s still full of doubt, at the end of the story, she jumps one more time, this time her jump is near to effortless. The more often we jump, the easier it gets. Which can be incredibly helpful, as sometimes, we have no choice but to jump.
Kegeln: A nine-pin German bowling game. I played it for the first time last year. During our bi-annual street party, my husband and one of our neighbors chatted about this game. The great thing is, something people don’t just think of doing something, they actually get into action and make it happened. Just before the holidays, we had a terrific evening drinking beer and bowling with our neighbors. The evening was so unforced, so joyous. We laughed, and played, and decided we must do this every month. We probably won’t quite make that, but I am sure that by the end of this year, we will manage to all meet up there again. I’m looking forward to it!
Letting go: Every quarter I represent our women’s network (see B above) at a meet up for women who want to start a business called Frauen gründen Anders (Women establish enterprises differently). During one of those meetups, I met Cora. We exchanged contact details and met up again. One evening she asked me to join her at an NLP seminar. The topic was Letting go. I didn’t think, I had much to get rid off, but hey, I’m curious about just about anything, so I joined her. The day of the seminar, I was full of the idea of laser focus. Of zeroing in on one thing and giving it my everything. I somehow felt that was what I had to do. Even when it was not all that clear what that one thing was supposed to be. My mind was spinning ideas around; it’s quite good at that. When we parted, after having beers after the seminar, Cora suggested perhaps I just should let go of the idea of laser focus. I’m still surprised at the relief this tiny suggestion brought. Letting go can bring such freedom.
Mobil home: On the topic of letting go…I’ve sold our mobile home. We’ve spent the past eight summers in the Netherlands at the coast, where I grew up and where my parents still live. The past five years we spent the summer there, and easter and autumn and our May weekends, etc. It is a lovely little place, with a hammock, a trampoline, and a terrace with a roof, after all, Holland isn’t quite Mediterranean. It was all lush green and coral blue, and homy. I really really loved my time there. So did everyone else in my family. We made friends there. Precious friends.
Nevertheless, due to increased costs and less income as well as a feeling of all-around renewal, it was the right time to sell it. When I suggested this to the rest of the family, there were no objections. Everyone had enjoyed it as much as I did, but we’re ready for new adventures. Coming summer we’ll tour Italy.
Nose: 2018 was the year one of my great friends talked me into a theater subscription. We went to see eight or nine pieces, as well as a theater night where we moved from one theater to the next, to see a bit of everything. Beyond that, we went to my first ever LitCologne evening. LitCologne has become quite an institution. There are hundreds of events, and they get booked up terrible fast. We went to an event called Die Nase, or in other words: The Nose. Two people read a variety of pieces from books, in which the nose was a central part of the story. The start of Perfume from Patrick Süßkind, a chapter from Infinite Jest from David Foster Wallace, a stunning surreal story from a Russian author I can’t remember the name off (I am sure my friend remembers…). These great evenings in great company have been a delight.
Omelet: It was the year, my son learned to make a pretty decent omelet. My husband is not much of a cook. He does all sorts of things in the household that not many other husbands do, but cooking isn’t his. When I’m away for dinner, I usually prepare the food ahead of time, or they make pizza together. Now the collection of meals has been expanded 🙂 My son quite likes to eat eggs, and he can make an omelet now. Yeah 🙂 The first steps into becoming self-sufficient. He is also much taller than me by now, so when we hug, my head is at his shoulder.
Peacefulness: Over the months, a peacefulness arose. Bit by bit. Step by step. At first, I walked around with an audiobook or music. Now, I walk around without either one. Just hearing the wind or a bird or a car that drives by. I haven’t only slowed down, I’ve become more aware of everything. It feels good. It feels like tapping into something that is quite precious. Something I can not quite explain. Perhaps it does not need to be explained, merely felt.
Quit: I may have quit my business but I didn’t quit my dreams. As I’m reading through my notebooks and the things that drive me, I know there are so many things I’d still like to do, and, though, if I were to die tomorrow, I can confidently say, all is good. I did it my way. Je ne regret de rien. A thought I cherish a lot. It takes away anxiety.
Re-writing: Never before had I written a book. I had been warned about how easy it is, to start a book, and how hard it is, to finish one. My story is not long. It was designed to be short as a miniskirt. Just enough to cover the subject. It was designed to be an alternative to watching a movie. At a speed of 200 words a minute, one can read it in 84 Minutes, which by no means is a random number. If 42 is the answer to everything, I believe one must go around two times for it all to settle in. I’ve put a lot of thought into this story, perhaps more than necessary. Which the reader will unlikely notice, which is precisely how it should be. It should be an easy read. A pleasurable read. A book, so short, that one day, later on, one may want to read it another time. That would be the biggest reward.
Stillness: This one goes along with peacefulness. A warm and cozy and embracing silence. It doesn’t ask anything; it doesn’t say anything; it doesn’t judge anything. I’m getting to know this place better. I can’t yet visit there any time I want to, but the more I get familiar with it, the better I know the way there. It’s an excellent place to remember.
Tao Te Ching: As I mentioned before, I read even more than in 2017. This little book, I did not just read, I copied it longhand, not only once but twice, from two different translations. It is an ancient book, written by Laozi, a Chinese Master, that is if he ever actually lived. Copying the Eighty-one short chapters did something to me. For a little more than twenty days, I copied two times four pages a day. The time spent felt meditative and inspiring. I might look for yet another translation, for instance, the interpretation from Ursula Le Guin, and do another round of longhand copying this year.
Unity Media: When I told my son, I was doing this year-in-review he asked me, what the not-so-good bits of this year were, apart from my lost savings. Well, there was our unfortunate telecommunications situation. We would call someone and every second phone call the other person would not hear us. Incredibly annoying. We weren’t able to find the cause for it. The hours I spent on the phone with Unity Media and researching the internet for solutions weren’t hours well spent. It was frustrating and resulted in an unpleasant back and forth while attempting to get out of the contract and switch provider. Finally, it was all sorted, phones are working correctly again, now, though, the streaming of movies is pretty poor even with our 100Mbit connection. It’s all driving me a little mad but, hey, first world problems I guess.
Vicinity: Something else happened … my dad was diagnosed with dementia. I’m not sure what to say about that. Perhaps only that sometimes I wished to live a little closer, so I could see my parents more often. Not for vacation but to share more of our everyday lives. I love my parents. Antoine de Saint Exupéry wrote that he came from his childhood as if it were a country. I can feel those words. We often call, but that’s still different than seeing another. I must soon go and visit again.
Weather: The summer of 2018 was hot, some days hotter than hot. We spent lots of time at the sea and the pool. There was something else, we did this year, for which the weather had to be just right. We flew in a hot air balloon. My daughter, my mom and dad and me, in a tiny basket that had just enough space left for the pilot. It was a marvelous evening. We scared the sheep and the cows and made many pictures of the beautiful landscape as the sun set.
Xing Meetup: Xing is the German version of LinkedIn. For the first time, I went to an actual F2F event. I met a lot of very nice people and learned about a few exciting business models. While networking, we shoot with bows and arrows. Not on static targets but on 4D screens. An entertaining event. I ought to do even more networking…It’s such a joy to meet new people.
Year-in-Review: Never did I write such an extensive year-in-review as in 2018. Looking back at 2017, I spent the first 26 days of 2018, writing a post every single day. Every post contained a take away, in the end, I compiled all the learnings. I put quite some love and vigor into it and re-reading it made me proud. Life is not about the big things, but the little things we do. Who again said that “How we spent our time, is how we spent our lives.”?
Zat: This last letter of the alphabet, I’d like to dedicate to all the people that inspire me, who I’ve never met in person. I read their writings, and through their writings, I get to know their thinking and their lives a little. Zat is Canadian, and I adore his Sunday Newsletters. They contain questions and impulses that incite me. While Mateja from Slovenia inspires me on her relentless journey to make a living being an author. The way we connect is more than precious. Rahman, born in Burma, living in Munich sends out reminders to be aware and deeply in touch with the world around us. Patrick, from Belgium, living in Spain, has become a mentor and friend. Kevin and his online writing community have warmly welcomed me to the world of words. Kim from the UK is one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. So are Les and Joanna from the US and Paul from Australia. I could go on and on. There are so many beautiful people in this world, near and far.
It is never easy to capture feelings into words. All in all, this year reminded me once more of how thankful I am to be able to live the life I live. A life with room to fail, room to breathe, and room to love.
Thank you all.
❤︎
